Monday, October 26, 2015

The Journey Continues...

Last week I hit the ground.

Months...okay, maybe more like years...hit me. The exhaustion, the frustration, the sadness, the worry, the hopelessness, and the overwhelming weight on my shoulders feeling too heavy to carry all dropped me to the ground.

Years I have been praying and pushing for answers to how Laynee's little body works.... Or doesn't work is maybe what I should say. The past 12 months has been especially difficult. 

When she had her surgery this summer I had hope that we were going to start an improved lifestyle for her. An easier day with less anxiety for her, an increase in self-confidence, a heart with less worry & stress. A brand new Laynee!

That is not what has occurred. Unfortunately, her nighttime regimen has been nightmares. Nights that have been over two hours filled with screaming and tears from such strong pain. Nights where she ends up getting sick from it. Nights where all three of us girls end it in tears because the intensity is just out of control. 

Nights I climb into bed feeling totally exhausted with tears wishing I could do more for her; wishing I could find a better answer. It is never easy for us parents to struggle with our children's health and lately it has worn me down, forced me to dig deep, question every move I have made for her, research endlessly, track every action she makes, and willing to do anything....and sometimes being the rock just weighs you down. But, I also know I am truly blessed with healthy & incredible daughters. I also know how lucky I am that they are both such strong girls & have such courageous hearts & spirits. I can tell you one thing, we make an incredible team!

Her body since the day she was born has kept me busy, kept me on my toes. As a baby, she had GERD and her reflux led us to many doctor appointments for months including visits to the feeding clinic because her reflux caused so many problems. This led to surgery on her stomach and esophagus at 7 months old. The day I wheeled her out of the hospital after a week there I was taking home a brand new baby! Her changes were amazing! 

From then to today we have dealt with many other health issues, so many specialists, so many tests, so many ER visits for hours & hours, sometimes being admitted. In fact when we just went to Disney, she insisted I get in her picture with the characters from our favorite hospital movie...can't even count on my fingers & toes the number of times we have watched it snuggled up in a hospital bed. 

This time, we have not kicked off to a new Laynee yet post-surgery. My heart hurts for her as she has days with issues leading to complete breakdowns at school filled with crocodile tears and questions as to "Why?" Anxiety-filled days never knowing what her day is going to bring her. Situations that cause a great deal of stress for both of us.

Unfortunately, her body has the doctors stumped. We have tried many different "recipes" and cannot find one yet for her, all the ways that work for so many other children have failed her. We have struck out numerous times, still waiting to hit our homerun! At this point, they feel the only step to make next is for us to return to Ohio for another week. This way they can monitor her regimen and the outcomes in a controlled, hands on environment. 

We all cried the day we found out. Laynee did, Jacee did, I did. I fought the feelings of hopelessness, afraid we were going to go again & come back with no improvements. Laynee is terrified of more changes; fearful they will cause more pain or problems & frustrated that this has been so hard. 

But, once I picked myself up off the ground last week I found the hope again. We will head to Columbus in a few weeks & this mama will believe she is driving this time to an answer for her sweet baby girl.

I am going to trust my saying to the girls of "it will get better" is going to come true, therefore that they will have to stop questioning me when I say it daily! They will have to see it as mom was right, once again! 

I would be so grateful for any prayers & good vibes sent our way. Prayers for Laynee to remain strong, brave & courageous & her doctors to find her answer. Prayers for Jacee who is heartbroken that mom & sis have to leave her home once again & for her to stay strong & positive for her sister! Last but not least, prayers for this mama to keep her heart filled with hope, to believe she has the strength to push forward & keep fighting for her girl, & to remain the positive so both girls see a bright light coming our way! 

Until Next Time~

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Something That Scared Me

Today I did something that scared me. It was a giant leap out of my comfort zone. It was a bucket list item. Something I once said "Someday..."

But when I said "Someday," what I was saying was really when I am a smaller size, when I am more this and more that. I didn't think my body was "beautiful enough" I only saw flaws.

Fast forward to today when I realize my body is just perfectly imperfect. Not flawed, it's beautiful. It's the body of a mom in her mid 30s. A body that currently isn't at its most toned or strongest shape as it has been in the past few years, but I'm still proud.

This leap from today I almost canceled. All week I've struggled greatly with so much on my plate, some major frustrations, some heartbreak, some depression, some hopelessness. I literally cried on and off all week.

But I scheduled this so long ago, I knew deep down if I canceled I'd only continue to put it off and chances were good I would never check it off my bucket list. 

I walked in this morning still fighting the way I felt all week. Plus nerves. By the time I left today I felt like I was back to being *K* I needed a good self-confidence boost, I needed to do something that was solely for me, I needed to stop for a minute and look at my true beauty. 

When my photographer showed me a few images on the back of her camera from time to time, I was blown away. What I saw was a woman who was beautiful and confident.

That was exactly what I needed to see. 

Until Next Time~

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Not Today In This Mama's Heart

This morning I woke up to my 4:30 a.m. alarm thankful for a new day. I got up & turned on my tunes, drank some coffee & got ready for my morning sweat session. I jumped on the treadmill & ran feeling alive & free; feeling as if the weight of life was off my shoulders. When I was done, I sat down with my personal development & read. In a 10 minute span, I only read 2 pages because I was so lost in the powerful words & thoughts I found my heart & soul lit on fire re-reading lines over & over again. 

Eventually it was time for me to start the next part of my day; getting myself ready for another day & then awakening my girls. Yesterday was a rough day for my little Bear that included a breakdown on her part, which also led to mom’s heart shattering in pieces once again. This morning was an appointment with another specialist. My girl woke up remembering our first stop of the day was a doctor & instantly broke down. She has never been bothered or complained about going to doctor appointments…ever.

But, today you could see the anxiety weighing so heavy on her. The fear from the previous day still strong in her mind; the uncertainty of what might be said today & the terror of what we might have to try next not knowing how much discomfort it may cause her little body. We finally stopped for a moment as I hugged her & together we prayed.

We jumped in the car after her appointment this morning with her not really knowing what was said between the doctor & me. But, mom had a heavy heart where feelings of hopelessness were trying to fight their way in & tears filled my eyes.  She is a mystery; her body does not make sense. We have tried so many things that have worked for others & yet finding her right answer is still a large unanswered question. 

I reminded her this morning that we had to stay brave, we had to stay open to new possibilities. No matter how many times we strike out, we have to strut back up to the plate & try again. If we are willing to keep trying, eventually, we will hit a home run. Who knows, maybe even a grand slam.

So those feelings of hopeless that are trying to break in this mama’s heart will have to wait. Today, I am too strong to let them in. I am so grateful I started my day working on me mentally, physically & emotionally so I could be ready to take care of my baby in the most positive way I could. Taking care of me, spending time on me, absolutely makes me a better mom today than I was yesterday. 

Until Next Time~