Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Changes in a Year

I sit here smiling.

Yup...a giant smile. 

It is crazy to go back & read this post here: A Look Back & A Step Forward that I wrote New Years Eve last year which was the day I kicked off my new blog & began to be vulnerable. At the time, not everyone knew the changes I was traveling through & what was ahead.

Of course, I did not see some of the changes headed my way either.

I do remember last year, New Years Eve, I spent the night feeling so broken, alone & had been very hurt in a way I never imagined. 

I remember praying that 2015 would bring positive changes into my life. But I also remember feeling like the year was going to be ugly. U-G-L-Y.

Today, I sit here with a smile & a heart just filled. 

2015 brought me days filled with storms, days I found myself in the middle of the ocean all alone struggling to keep my head above water & feeling like I would never get to shore. But, even in my darkest storms, I always fought to see a tiny glimmer of light. 

Over the course of the year my marriage officially ended. I adjusted to being single, I healed, I worked through forgiveness, I loved my girls to pieces & found ways to make our new life work smoothly.

Over the course of the year I spent so much time & energy on Laynee & her health; so many days spent in tears. I cannot even grasp sometimes the past year & all that her little body has gone through. I would like to say right now we are doing really well since her second surgery in November, but I am also terrified of saying it & having it change. We are in stand-by mode just waiting & watching to see how long her body will hold up with the last revision, so in a way it looms over my head. But, I was also praying for some relief for her at least for a few months & we have had our prayers answered! 

Over the course of the year, I thought my heart would remain closed off to new opportunities. But, I found I was wrong. Sometimes the timing of life amazes me. My heart became open even though I fought it. But, I will tell you how terrifying dating or even thinking about dating was to me at the beginning. 

Over the course of the year, I finally took the leap to become a health + fitness coach; something I had dreamed about for years. I am changing lives. My mission is to help stop the rising trend of obesity. This leap has blessed me with a new family filled with incredible and motivated individuals all wanting to help others live the best life they can. Perfection. 

Over the course of the year, I learned to love me. I put myself out there over & over knowing I could fail. I put myself in situations outside of my comfort zone. My biggest was my photoshoot with the wonderful Miranda Parker Boudoir. I share these images in hopes that other women book their session & see the beauty & magic that lives inside that they might have forgotten. This session was so empowering for me. 

Over the course of the year, I tried my best to have a lot of laughs & create many memories with my girls & those who love me! Our highlight was definitely our trip to Florida with our Millers! To have a week with my girls in the middle of all the chaos of Laynee's struggles was so needed. No doubt we all deserved a week to enjoy each other, laugh, have dance parties & create memories & stories to tell for years! 

After a roller coaster year, I am so ready for 2016. This past year I grew so much as a woman, I welcomed new people into my life, my girls are healthy & happy, & I created a lot of magic! 

So I will welcome 2016 the opposite way I did 2015. I'll cheers her in with a giant smile, a full heart & a positive outlook for what is ahead. 

I hope you ring in your 2016 the same way!  

Until Next Time~

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

I Remember The Last Time

This weekend I took my girls up to Great Wolf Lodge as part of their Christmas gift. 

I could not help but remember the last time I was there. January 2014.

I remembered how I felt that trip. I remember realizing as I put my swimsuit on, it did not fit as I went down to the shop to purchase a new one. A bigger one. I remember walking around feeling like I wanted to hide. I remember feeling out of breath, out of shape trying to carry a double tube upstairs or chasing my girls. I remember feeling lethargic & exhausted. 

I remember disappearing & going back to my room to hide for a few minutes alone. I remember looking in the mirror. I remember the moment I realized I was not sure who was looking back at me. I had no idea who the woman was. I remember feeling powerless, weak, and out of control.

I remember as I stood there, I talked to my reflection & told her that her life needed to change. It was time to unbury herself from the hurt, pain & neglect I was under. It was time to live as if I was worth something, something more.

Honestly, I felt so lost, I had no idea if I would ever be able to find myself again.

But here I stand...just a week shy of two years later from that day, that conversation with my reflection. 

I set out for a journey to better. A better me, better days, better tomorrow. 

Was I afraid to fail? Yes. Did I? Yup. A million times I fell on my face.

But, every morning I got up out of bed & believed I was worth more. I fought day in and day out to change my life. I had good days & I had bad days.

I slowly unburied myself. I began to find me again. Once I started seeing who I was again, I was hooked. Daily, I craved becoming stronger, more passionate, better.

Did I know the pages that would be written in my story that day I began? No...maybe yes. Sometimes I think it takes a while for you to truly admit what is broken.

This trip to Great Wolf Lodge was great. I could chase the kids without feeling out of breath. I walked with confidence in my swimsuit & not because my body is perfect or tight & toned. But, because I am me & have come to accept my body with all it's imperfections & am proud of the body I live in. My health is a hundred times better than that last trip there: mentally & physically. 

My days are better. My tomorrows will be better. Truly, I am incredibly happy. 

Ever feel the way I did two years ago? Feel this way now? Look in the mirror & tell yourself you do have the power to change it. But, you have to put in the effort. 

Until Next Time~