Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Better With Age?

Today I sit here another year older. Perhaps wiser too.

I can tell you that I spent well over half of my life so far with a critic living inside of  me that hated me; that was so quick to point out my flaws and tore me down daily. I spent so many years turning to food like a drug; an addiction to bury what I should have been feeling or dealing with. I remember feeling powerless to my weight; as if I had zero control over it & could not change it. In reality, what I was powerless to was the words I allowed to run around in my head all day long.

I have been on a journey of self-love. I have spent hours all alone forcing myself to ask & answer the questions I needed to know. I took a long look at all of my shortcomings & my strengths. I went over my failures, my mistakes, the choices I made. I worked through forgiveness in a way that kept me up at night tossing and turning. Forgiving others & forgiving myself.

Somewhere along the road I came to accept *k* on the sunny days, on the gray days & even on the dark days. I realized I was not inadequate & was enough just the way I was. I matter, my thoughts are important, my words can be powerful & the person I am is beautiful. Everything I was looking for or everything I wanted to be was already inside but I was to blind to see it.  

When I kicked my inside hateful critic out the door, I found a woman who was everything she wanted to be. Strong, confident, authentic, vulnerable, compassionate, kind, proud, enthusiastic, brave, sassy. A woman of faith. A woman who doesn't just believe in magic, she wants to create it & a woman who lives for adventures. A woman who values herself and no longer allows anyone close that does not value her; one that embraces all those who love her for being exactly who she is & not who they want her to be.

A woman who wakes up early every morning to work on her & her own relationship. She makes the choice to give herself a gift daily; of love & health. The way I see it love & good health are two of the most beautiful gifts we can receive. She is not afraid to dream big & gives all she has to turn those dreams into goals. She will put herself out there daily even though she knows she might fail. But, failure to her is like magic; it's proof she is living & she is trying like hell to live life fully & not going through the motions. She is someone who is determined to wake up every day & be the absolute best version of herself. 

I recently had an experience where I found that somewhere along this journey I had come to love me. Just the way I am. Every day I hear others joke about growing older & dreading that new number. Not this one. I fully embrace my age of 35. Today I am the best version of Krisha there has ever been, physically, mentally & emotionally I am in tip top shape & I have goals that I will continue to grow into. 

There were years that flew by where I didn't think I needed to be celebrated & said my birthday was no big deal. I was not important & it was just another day on the calendar. But, I deserve it; we all do!So, now I celebrate me; I celebrate my birthday! 
So I guess what I am trying to say is....somethings really do get better with age. I certainly have. Next year, I will be even better! 

**pictures are from the wonderful Miranda Parker**

Until Next Time~

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

A Mother's Thoughts

Last week I sat there alone holding my daughter's hand tightly as the surgeon went through all the "what if" scenarios as they were about to head inside my little girl's body once again searching for an answer.

An answer as to why every night a process that is only supposed to take maybe an hour was lasting us over two. A process that is supposed to be fairly simple & pain free was causing my girl to scream out in pain, cry & then begin to vomit. 

As I listened to the surgeon give me the "if not this, then we do this, and then look here, and then rule out this," my stomach began to tie in knots. Then, the anesthesiologist came in & the knot in my stomach grew even bigger & tighter as I squeezed the hand of  my girl. "We start this way, but if we have to go here, then this, & then that & then recovery....and because of your daughter's history these precautions..."

My head was spinning, the knot almost making me sick, the tears trying to make their way out of my eyes as the room was back to being just the two of us. At that moment, I looked at Laynee & saw this big grin on her face as her nurse just left. There was zero fear on her face & I was filled with it. I prayed for God to help me stay strong in front of my girl!

The time came for us to begin the walk down the hallway as we again came to the intersection where I knew I had to turn one way & her another. I gave her so many sweet kisses all over her face as she giggled with the nurses!  Again, not a single sign of fear on her face!  

I went to the OR waiting room, grabbed some coffee & sat in the exact chair I had sat in about five months ago when I sent her off for a more invasive surgery. That time I sat there with more comfort as I knew exactly what was to be done. This time, I sat there wondering what would be found.

I also sat there with the fear thinking five months ago I thought she was getting "fixed," that things were going to get better for her & honestly, she had traveled backwards on every single thing you would look at to measure her progress. 

So many thoughts & fears running around inside. I was also scared that they would find nothing at all & then what would we do? That was almost the most fearful scenario I had. 

But, you know what, a mom always seems to know. I knew in my heart & my gut something inside her body was not right. I had fought & pushed the doctors hard for the past month knowing....there was something.

I instantly felt relieved when the surgeon began talking after the procedure. It was the best case scenario; the simplest find to fix inside out of all the scenarios! But, when I heard the surgeon explain just how narrow her colon had become, my heart shattered for my daughter. I felt horrible forcing her body to go through that nightly & could not even wrap my head around the level of pain she had to feel. 

Although it was the best case scenario, it also means there is more to do in her future. Due to some pretty serious & high risks, they could not get it to a normal size & we simply have no idea if her body will hold it where it is now or for how long. Her little body still is giving us & her doctors so many questions. 

For now, we pray it holds for a while & she can find some relief. 

I have had so many reach out to me & tell me they cannot believe how strong I am. Really, I am not sure how strong I was. I know there is the belief out there that God only gives you what you can handle. 

I disagree; I agree with a different thought. I think He gives you more so that you learn to rely on Him. Every night for months, I prayed for Him to give me the strength to start her regimen, the strength to stay strong for her as I held her hand or her hair back each night & prayed that maybe her night would be less painful. Laying in bed last week for the nights leading up to her procedure, I talked to Him for hours as I laid awake. Telling Him I needed the strength again, praying for answers for my girl, praying for her body that has been through so much, asking Him to not leave my side as I thought I would be alone & was feeling too weak to go through it on my own. I found myself in the strongest relationship I have ever had with Him.

The night of the procedure as I snuggled my girl & kissed her sweet cheeks a million times I thanked Him a million times. If it wasn't for relying on Him, I would have been too weak. I thanked Him for creating Laynee to be such an incredible spirit with such a resilient attitude & for having her teach me so much! 
 (I love this pic....look at her!!)

In this mother's thoughts, the week of Thanksgiving, I am so grateful for these two beautiful daughters I have. They could not be more opposite, yet identical! The smiles, the hearts they have & their strong personalities! Every day they teach me something & I am always watching with my eyes wide open & my phone down so I cannot miss a lesson!  Now, I pray for a few fun & smooth months for our team!

  Until Next Time~

Friday, November 13, 2015

The Next Step

Our journey to improved days for Laynee continued at Nationwide Children's Hospital this week. Post-surgery Laynee's experience nightly has been horrible. To the point that words can't explain the intensity of it all.

After working constantly and making changes with her team here in Ohio it came to the point they were no longer willing to make changes without a trip back here to observe and work together in a more hands-on and regulated way. 

Yesterday we met with her team which included all of her specialists in what was over 3 hours long. It included this mom looking in the doctor's eyes with tears saying "I cannot put her through this anymore."

She had a procedure done on Wednesday morning to get a look inside. Those images showed what appears to be a narrowing at the point of reconnection of her colon from surgery. 

On Sunday we will be admitted back into the hospital and she will go in for exploratory surgery on Monday with a camera inside her colon to check that and a camera inside her stomach to check some other potential causes of what she is experiencing. From there, they will address whatever is found. 

As a mom I cannot deny that sending her daughter in for exploratory surgery compared to sending her in knowing exactly what's to be done is incredibly terrifying. I tossed and turned all night long and no doubt the next few days will be long. 

But, I also know I have crawled into bed every night praying for an answer, for a solution to what her body was experiencing. Every day I had to pray for strength to put her through it all over again every night and never knowing if it would be the occasional smooth night or the one all three of us would end in tears. So, my prayers are being answered, sometimes it can be a scary route but I'm believing that my girl's days are about to improve. 

On a way more fun note, we were able to snag the free pass from the Ronald McDonald House to the Cosi Science Museum yesterday afternoon for some fun. It was certainly needed! The best part is that Laynee got to do this show and last time we were there she didn't get picked! She was thrilled!!!

For now, after her x-Ray this morning we hit the road for home for some time there this weekend before we hit the road early Sunday drive back for answers! 

Thank you for all of the prayers, messages and the love that has been sent. We feel very grateful for so many amazing people in our lives! 

until next time~