Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Hold My Hand

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone, its not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." ~Robin Williams~

This quote strikes me every time I see it. The truth in it always gets me. 

I agree.

The other night, with big tears rolling down & eyes that were filled with total fear, my little Bear asked me questions about the surgery & after surgery that I had no answers to. I so badly wanted to give her those answers she was looking for. 

But, all I could say was...

"I don't know. But all I do know is that I will be there every single step of the way holding your hand. I won't let go."  and then we prayed. 

I laid there a bit longer holding her hand, calming her down, holding back the tears in my eyes from that look I could see deep in her eyes. 

She found comfort knowing I would be there & would not stop holding her hand. 

When I finally crawled into bed that night I thought about our conversation with tears rolling down my face. Really, some of her questions are the same ones I have & cannot be answered. We just have to have faith & take it one step at a time.  

Little does she know....when mom is holding her hand, bear is holding mom's hand too. 

I thought about this Robin Williams quote again as I have so many times. I thought about the many times I felt as if my hand was empty & I was alone when those I thought cared were never there. I thought about the times I have been surrounded by people & yet felt as if I was not there. I thought about the times I needed support & only found myself. Times I needed help getting back up, but my hand was empty. I thought about the scary roads as a mom that have been traveled alone. 

In that moment, I thanked God for giving me the strength to turn the page. I thanked Him for always picking me up when I was down & always having my hand even during the times I didn't realize He did. 

I also thanked Him for the people in my life today. Today I will say, my hand isn't empty; it is full. Today I can say I have support in all the different areas of my life. Today, I have friends that have become my family & love me for exactly who I am; the real *k*.

Next week, I will hold Laynee's hand & she will hold mine. But, my other hand will also be held by many. This time I know I have the support & know with a simple phone call, someone will be on the other end.

Today, take a hold of some one's hand that you love. Let them know their hand isn't empty, you're there to hold it in times of fear, sad times, weak times but also in the good times. Your spouse, your significant other, your sibling, your child or your friend. 

Knowing someone has your hand can be one of the most incredible feelings & something that should never be taken for granted.

Until Next Time~

Monday, July 20, 2015

It Was A Need

Last week I wrote on here with full disclosure about riding the struggle bus.

I also wrote that I was jumping off of it.

I did.

I had incredible workouts Friday & Saturday. Y'all I might be addicted to Cize (contact me for more info)!

But, my need was on Sunday.

Sunday was my long run day.

I needed a solid run like I need sunshine, like I need water, like I need food.

Mentally, emotionally & physically....I needed it.

It is something that is truly hard to explain.

But, I had to have it.

I have not had a long, solid run in a very long time & no double digit runs since my 25k in May.

Headed into this week where I have a million things on  my "to do" list & we do not need to discuss the emotional part of it yet, I just needed this.

I gave myself permission to run, walk or crawl. I did not care. Slow or fast.

Just finish the ten miles. Hit the double digit mark.

My first five miles were great; strong. I was in my zone.

From mile six to seven, I wanted to quit & call for a ride.

I was in mile eight & growing tired. Everything hurt. I told myself when I got up to the sign I could see in the distance that I could take a twenty second walk break.

I pushed & got to that point. Then, I looked at my Garmin & saw I was just shy of hitting mile nine. So I pushed until nine and then gave myself that twenty seconds.

That last mile, I cried for most of the way. I cried because even though everything hurt, I felt amazing. Because I hit my goal despite fighting through fatigue. I kept going when I wanted to stop & sit. Because I realized I can always go further if I give myself the opportunity to do so.

I needed it. In that last mile, those moments there, is when I feel the most like *k*

That *k* is this really strong woman who will not stop & will not settle for anything less than amazing. She believes in living life to its' depth & width. 

Then, I treated  myself to a Starbucks Mango Black Tea Lemonade...I mean, I definitely earned it & then rushed off to church where again I heard exactly what I needed to hear. 

Until Next Time~

Friday, July 17, 2015

Ridin' the Bus

Yes....Yes I am. 

I am on the Struggle Bus.

I hate it.

I have been stuck & unable to jump off.

Like something is totally holding me back. think I jumped off.

I needed a wake-up call, a serious slap in the face.

I actually ended up at the doc office this week to have some blood work done & talk through some issues. Overall, my blood work shows I am way incredibly healthy so we were able to determine what was causing me to feel the way I have been & am trying some things out.

However, one thing I know....

I have not been truly taking care of me. For months. 

I have allowed myself to be pushed down the list of times, pretty far. The problem with this: I am the ONLY one who can take care of me. No one else is there to do this for me. 

My energy has been so incredibly low for months & getting worse as time progresses. I do not sleep. although I have never been a good sleeper anyway (thanks to the genes from my dad's side), my sleep pattern is so crazy right now & the amount of actual sleep I am getting on average is way too low. Way too low.

My nutrition has, to be 100 percent honest, been lacking. I have not been drinking my Shakeology daily (umm...hello...easiest way in the world to get my daily superfoods - DUMB!), some days I do not eat enough food, while other days I am grabbing foods I know my body does not need & will do me zero good & consuming too much of it!

During this summer, my girls have stayed with their dad some extra days....which, in turn, has seemed to give me a free pass at not eating a healthy dinner since it was just me or really, not eating at all. Hello, Krisha....a Kind bar is NOT a dinner! 

I mean....really.... I KNOW BETTER!

I have also struggled with allowing food to control me again. Have you ever struggled with food in this way before? Where food is almost like an addiction & you turn towards it. For years I turned to food as a crutch. I used it to try to calm my stress. I used to it try to fill emotional voids, that empty feeling. I did not have control over what went in my mouth or how much. 

Then, you have that "everything in moderation" concept, right? Well....what is the breaking point between "moderation" and just your "normal"??? I think I have leaped over the moderation line on some items & are indulging WAY.TOO.MUCH. 

Umm...hello to that glass of wine I say I will enjoy randomly on a week night to turning into MOST week nights. That is not moderation. That is almost a routine. 

Then, lets talk about my workouts or how long it has been now since I have gotten in a really super hard, drenched in sweat, blow my own mind session?? Actually, lately when I start a workout I realize I cannot even power through it due to my energy lacking. 

I do not feel good right now. I am not the best version of me. My energy is low. My motivation is dragging behind me. My healthy habits are not routines. My body does not feel good. I can feel my "tight" disappearing & leaving behind what I worked hard to change in the first place.

Simply put, I do not feel good.  I am not my best.
*Lets see what changes we can make in a month!*

So, I slapped myself in the face. I have taken a few steps backwards lately. But, I am awake now. I had to force myself to admit that really, I was back to self-sabotaging myself again.  I was creating excuses. I was falling back into old habits. I was losing control.

Sure, I need to give myself some grace as I continue to adjust into my new chapter. I have. I do. But, once again, it is that struggle of finding the right balance of giving grace but not selling myself short by creating excuses too. Truly, I can see in the past few weeks when I take care of me, I am a much better mom & Krisha for those around me that I love! 

Regardless, healthy living is a journey that never ends. It's a constant adventure & sometimes we do find that we are taking some backwards steps. The best choice here is to pick your chin up & look forward again. Do not look backwards at how you looked a year ago or how strong you were six months ago - that will only hold you back. That was what was weighing me down on the struggle bus - looking back.

So I jumped off the bus knowing I only want to move forward. So, chin up, one foot in front of the other & taking care of me again! Because...I am worth it. 

Until Next Time~

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Yes! I Did It!

Ahh...insert a nice, long, deep breath of air...

Another goal accomplished.

One hundred days ago I decide to do a run streak of at least a mile a day. At the time, I had no number of days set. 

When I got to day #57, I thought it would be fun to aim for 100 days. So, to keep myself accountable I shared that goal on social media immediately. Yes, putting myself out there was scary. Sure, I was afraid I would fall short. But, I was trying to go somewhere & writing out my goals & sharing them always keeps my fire going. 

Today,  my lunch time run completed my 100 day run streak. On my run today, I felt proud. Proud that I hadn't given up on this goal.

Because, lets be honest & say I wanted to quit on this goal probably at least 30 days out of 100. There were days I had to put on my workout clothes at 9:30ish at night, after girls were tucked in bed, lunches & backpacks were packed, laundry done & put away, and bathrooms cleaned up. Yes, I would be at complete exhaustion & the thought of jumping on my treadmill made me angry. 

There were days I knew I had no choice but to run early in the morning and I really did not want to get out of bed, but I somehow dragged my butt up.

There were days where running a mile felt like I was climbing a mountain as my body just did not want to go & I wanted to stop. 

But, every single time I completed this mile, or however many miles I ran for the day, I felt so much better than I did before I started. 

Some days it gave me an energy boost; some it relieved my stress allowing me to crash into bed; some where it allowed me to search for the answers to on-going questions; and some where it was about nothing than just the music I was singing along with. Yes....out loud. 

It took drive, commitment, strength, focus & discipline. Some days it took my girls asking if I had run my mile yet to get it done. I mean, who would want to let those two down?! 

Every goal I set, I always grow. I always gain something or learn something. This one helped remind me that excuses get us nowhere. This one showed me that there is always time in the day for the things you find important to you. This goal reminded me that taking a little amount of time, some days this was as little as ten minutes, to do something for me or something I enjoy is so crucial to my mental health & stress levels. 

Will I keep going? No. Today I end my run streak for now. I may do it again someday. But, I know in just a few weeks I will be staying in the hospital with my daughter for at least a week & running a mile every day will not be a top priority; holding her hand will be. 

I also know that I learned a lot about my body; physically & mentally; last year training for my marathon & I know this time there are changes I need to make. A run streak is not in my cards especially since at that point, rest days are crucial! 

So, I have a few new goals swimming around in my mind right now & I am just waiting to see which one lands on my heart! 

Until Next Time~

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

To Be Real

This morning I looked in the mirror thinking about what day it is....

It is Tuesday so some would call it "Transformation Tuesday."

I looked in the mirror feeling incredibly confident in myself.

In that moment I realized the transformation I am the most proud of is the one on the inside.

The one you have to really look at me, you have to really see me, in order to see it.

Do not get me wrong...I also love my transformation on the outside. It motivates me on the days I want to give up. It inspires me on the days I am lacking. Not just for the look of it, but for the fact that the "now" is healthy & the "before" was far from being anywhere close to the healthy category.

But, on the inside, that transformation is the strong one. This is the one that never lets me quit.

In my "before" pictures, what you see is a woman who found no value in herself. She was weak. Her smiles were fake. She compared herself to others. She worked out only because others were. She had very little self-confidence & therefore, allowed others to determine if she was good enough or not.

In the "now" picture, stands a woman, confident in who she is & who she is becoming. She does not compare herself to anyone & the opinion others may have for her mean nothing to her.

She has traveled through some dark days recently & has had to pick herself back up more than once. She has stood on both feet with nothing to lean on as life turned into pieces & she fought to find the new pieces to begin again. She lost more people than she thought she would; found her hand empty often. But, through her own strength she truly found that being completely alone is a blessing compared to sitting in a room of people she cared about or sitting next to one & feeling incredibly alone.

She grew confident, daily, in herself. She became stronger. She began to believe in herself like she never had before.

Yes, she has failed. Yes, she is now divorced. Yes, mistakes have been made.

Has she grown? Has she learned? Does she still believe in the beauty of tomorrow? The answer is yes.

Now, she knows exactly who she is & is happy. She knows her own worth, she knows her own beauty, she knows change is nothing to be feared, she doesn't compare her life to yours & she workouts out simply because she loves it.

Yes, I have days. Days that seem dark. Days that I struggle. Days I cannot hide tears. Days I am too tired to get up. Days the only thing I want to eat is pizza.  Yes, I fail; yes, I fall flat on my face.

To be real you have to be authentic. I want to be real; I want to be authentic in this journey of mine.  

Maybe I am just failing forward to success.

But, I am me & I'm confident in who I am. If you are one that can see my real transformation, you have to be able to see how real my smile is.

This is the me who believes in herself and in tomorrow. This is my transformation story & I cannot wait to see where my adventures will take me.
Until Next Time~

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Well....It Is Official

So it has been weighing on my mind.

On my heart.

In my soul.

I have had numerous talks with myself; arguments really. I have prayed about it. Soul-searched. Gone back and forth a million times.

But, yesterday I saw this quote right at the moment the question was running through my mind. 

I took it as my sign. 

So, I made the decision. I set the goal. Then, I wrote down my plan to achieve it.

The journey to another 26.2 has begun. 

I have been going back and forth on it for months. Was I ready to tackle such a huge goal? Did I think I could commit? Did I have the heart to do it all again? Could I make it work with my schedule? 

Part of me thought my first marathon would be my only. But, due to my knee & hip that landed me in physical therapy for six months after receiving that medal, my time was not any place close to what I had hoped for. I know I can do better. I want to do better.

I am a competitor. I was raised to never settle for anything less than my best. I was raised with a work hard mentality. I want another shot. I'm afraid if I take this year off, I may never tackle this goal again.

With that being said, I know I have some big challenges ahead, such as Laynee's surgery. I will have over a week where it will just be her & I in Ohio. I may not get in my runs, but I feel if I work hard before & get right back on track after I can still be successful. 

I am going into this with the thought in my heart that life may cause some roadblocks. However, I am going to start. If I receive the messages that I need to scale back, then I will aim to crush a PR like I never imagined I could in the half-marathon. But, if I don't try, I may always wonder. 

So, I have my plan. Because goals need to have a plan. Today is day one of a brand new month, it is a FABULOUS time to set a goal! 

I have many goals for this month: my training goal, my 21 day fix eating goal, my run streak for as long as I can keep it rolling, really digging into my monthly budget with a true-set plan, reading with my girls daily, getting them a good math facts system with goals for the summer, my PD daily, de-clutter my basement, and last but not least have as much summer fun as I can with my girls prior to Laynee's surgery. 

I keep my goals written around me to see daily. It is so easy to get distracted, or tired, and want to conveniently forget about what I want to accomplish if I don't keep them close by. 

What are some of your goals? Do you write them down or keep them in your head? Do you write out your steps or set plans to accomplish them? I would love to hear; goal-setting is like my favorite! 

For fun: new dress I just got from might be the most comfy thing I own! Love it! 

Until Next Time~