Tuesday, December 29, 2015

I Remember The Last Time

This weekend I took my girls up to Great Wolf Lodge as part of their Christmas gift. 

I could not help but remember the last time I was there. January 2014.

I remembered how I felt that trip. I remember realizing as I put my swimsuit on, it did not fit as I went down to the shop to purchase a new one. A bigger one. I remember walking around feeling like I wanted to hide. I remember feeling out of breath, out of shape trying to carry a double tube upstairs or chasing my girls. I remember feeling lethargic & exhausted. 

I remember disappearing & going back to my room to hide for a few minutes alone. I remember looking in the mirror. I remember the moment I realized I was not sure who was looking back at me. I had no idea who the woman was. I remember feeling powerless, weak, and out of control.

I remember as I stood there, I talked to my reflection & told her that her life needed to change. It was time to unbury herself from the hurt, pain & neglect I was under. It was time to live as if I was worth something, something more.

Honestly, I felt so lost, I had no idea if I would ever be able to find myself again.

But here I stand...just a week shy of two years later from that day, that conversation with my reflection. 

I set out for a journey to better. A better me, better days, better tomorrow. 

Was I afraid to fail? Yes. Did I? Yup. A million times I fell on my face.

But, every morning I got up out of bed & believed I was worth more. I fought day in and day out to change my life. I had good days & I had bad days.

I slowly unburied myself. I began to find me again. Once I started seeing who I was again, I was hooked. Daily, I craved becoming stronger, more passionate, better.

Did I know the pages that would be written in my story that day I began? No...maybe yes. Sometimes I think it takes a while for you to truly admit what is broken.

This trip to Great Wolf Lodge was great. I could chase the kids without feeling out of breath. I walked with confidence in my swimsuit & not because my body is perfect or tight & toned. But, because I am me & have come to accept my body with all it's imperfections & am proud of the body I live in. My health is a hundred times better than that last trip there: mentally & physically. 

My days are better. My tomorrows will be better. Truly, I am incredibly happy. 

Ever feel the way I did two years ago? Feel this way now? Look in the mirror & tell yourself you do have the power to change it. But, you have to put in the effort. 

Until Next Time~

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