Tuesday, November 24, 2015

A Mother's Thoughts

Last week I sat there alone holding my daughter's hand tightly as the surgeon went through all the "what if" scenarios as they were about to head inside my little girl's body once again searching for an answer.

An answer as to why every night a process that is only supposed to take maybe an hour was lasting us over two. A process that is supposed to be fairly simple & pain free was causing my girl to scream out in pain, cry & then begin to vomit. 

As I listened to the surgeon give me the "if not this, then we do this, and then look here, and then rule out this," my stomach began to tie in knots. Then, the anesthesiologist came in & the knot in my stomach grew even bigger & tighter as I squeezed the hand of  my girl. "We start this way, but if we have to go here, then this, & then that & then recovery....and because of your daughter's history these precautions..."

My head was spinning, the knot almost making me sick, the tears trying to make their way out of my eyes as the room was back to being just the two of us. At that moment, I looked at Laynee & saw this big grin on her face as her nurse just left. There was zero fear on her face & I was filled with it. I prayed for God to help me stay strong in front of my girl!

The time came for us to begin the walk down the hallway as we again came to the intersection where I knew I had to turn one way & her another. I gave her so many sweet kisses all over her face as she giggled with the nurses!  Again, not a single sign of fear on her face!  

I went to the OR waiting room, grabbed some coffee & sat in the exact chair I had sat in about five months ago when I sent her off for a more invasive surgery. That time I sat there with more comfort as I knew exactly what was to be done. This time, I sat there wondering what would be found.

I also sat there with the fear thinking five months ago I thought she was getting "fixed," that things were going to get better for her & honestly, she had traveled backwards on every single thing you would look at to measure her progress. 

So many thoughts & fears running around inside. I was also scared that they would find nothing at all & then what would we do? That was almost the most fearful scenario I had. 

But, you know what, a mom always seems to know. I knew in my heart & my gut something inside her body was not right. I had fought & pushed the doctors hard for the past month knowing....there was something.

I instantly felt relieved when the surgeon began talking after the procedure. It was the best case scenario; the simplest find to fix inside out of all the scenarios! But, when I heard the surgeon explain just how narrow her colon had become, my heart shattered for my daughter. I felt horrible forcing her body to go through that nightly & could not even wrap my head around the level of pain she had to feel. 

Although it was the best case scenario, it also means there is more to do in her future. Due to some pretty serious & high risks, they could not get it to a normal size & we simply have no idea if her body will hold it where it is now or for how long. Her little body still is giving us & her doctors so many questions. 

For now, we pray it holds for a while & she can find some relief. 

I have had so many reach out to me & tell me they cannot believe how strong I am. Really, I am not sure how strong I was. I know there is the belief out there that God only gives you what you can handle. 

I disagree; I agree with a different thought. I think He gives you more so that you learn to rely on Him. Every night for months, I prayed for Him to give me the strength to start her regimen, the strength to stay strong for her as I held her hand or her hair back each night & prayed that maybe her night would be less painful. Laying in bed last week for the nights leading up to her procedure, I talked to Him for hours as I laid awake. Telling Him I needed the strength again, praying for answers for my girl, praying for her body that has been through so much, asking Him to not leave my side as I thought I would be alone & was feeling too weak to go through it on my own. I found myself in the strongest relationship I have ever had with Him.

The night of the procedure as I snuggled my girl & kissed her sweet cheeks a million times I thanked Him a million times. If it wasn't for relying on Him, I would have been too weak. I thanked Him for creating Laynee to be such an incredible spirit with such a resilient attitude & for having her teach me so much! 
 (I love this pic....look at her!!)

In this mother's thoughts, the week of Thanksgiving, I am so grateful for these two beautiful daughters I have. They could not be more opposite, yet identical! The smiles, the hearts they have & their strong personalities! Every day they teach me something & I am always watching with my eyes wide open & my phone down so I cannot miss a lesson!  Now, I pray for a few fun & smooth months for our team!

  Until Next Time~

No comments:

Post a Comment