The Journey Continues...

Last week I hit the ground.

Months...okay, maybe more like years...hit me. The exhaustion, the frustration, the sadness, the worry, the hopelessness, and the overwhelming weight on my shoulders feeling too heavy to carry alone...it all dropped me to the ground.

Years I have been praying and pushing for answers to how Laynee's little body works.... Or doesn't work is maybe what I should say. The past 12 months has been especially difficult. 

When she had her surgery this summer I had hope that we were going to start an improved lifestyle for her. An easier day with less anxiety for her, an increase in self-confidence, a heart with less worry & stress. A brand new Laynee!

That is not what has occurred. Unfortunately, her nighttime regimen has been nightmares. Nights that have been over two hours filled with screaming and tears from such strong pain. Nights where she ends up getting sick from it. Nights where all three of us girls end it in tears because the intensity is just out of control. 

Nights I climb into bed feeling totally exhausted with tears wishing I could do more for her; wishing I could find a better answer. It is never easy for us parents to struggle with our children's health and lately it has worn me down, forced me to dig deep, question every move I have made for her, research endlessly, track every action she makes, and willing to do anything....and sometimes being the rock just weighs you down. But, I also know I am truly blessed with healthy & incredible daughters. I also know how lucky I am that they are both such strong girls & have such courageous hearts & spirits. I can tell you one thing, we make an incredible team!

Her body since the day she was born has kept me busy, kept me on my toes. As a baby, she had GERD and her reflux led us to many doctor appointments for months including visits to the feeding clinic because her reflux caused so many problems. This led to surgery on her stomach and esophagus at 7 months old. The day I wheeled her out of the hospital after a week there I was taking home a brand new baby! Her changes were amazing! 

From then to today we have dealt with many other health issues, so many specialists, so many tests, so many ER visits for hours & hours, sometimes being admitted. In fact when we just went to Disney, she insisted I get in her picture with the characters from our favorite hospital movie...can't even count on my fingers & toes the number of times we have watched it snuggled up in a hospital bed. 

This time, we have not kicked off to a new Laynee yet post-surgery. My heart hurts for her as she has days with issues leading to complete breakdowns at school filled with crocodile tears and questions as to "Why?" Anxiety-filled days never knowing what her day is going to bring her. Situations that cause a great deal of stress for both of us.

Unfortunately, her body has the doctors stumped. We have tried many different "recipes" and cannot find one yet for her, all the ways that work for so many other children have failed her. We have struck out numerous times, still waiting to hit our homerun! At this point, they feel the only step to make next is for us to return to Ohio for another week. This way they can monitor her regimen and the outcomes in a controlled, hands on environment. 

We all cried the day we found out. Laynee did, Jacee did, I did. I fought the feelings of hopelessness, afraid we were going to go again & come back with no improvements. Laynee is terrified of more changes; fearful they will cause more pain or problems & frustrated that this has been so hard. 

But, once I picked myself up off the ground last week I found the hope again. We will head to Columbus in a few weeks & this mama will believe she is driving this time to an answer for her sweet baby girl.

I am going to trust my saying to the girls of "it will get better" is going to come true, therefore that they will have to stop questioning me when I say it daily! They will have to see it as mom was right, once again! 

I would be so grateful for any prayers & good vibes sent our way. Prayers for Laynee to remain strong, brave & courageous & her doctors to find her answer. Prayers for Jacee who is heartbroken that mom & sis have to leave her home once again & for her to stay strong & positive for her sister! Last but not least, prayers for this mama to keep her heart filled with hope, to believe she has the strength to push forward & keep fighting for her girl, & to remain the positive so both girls see a bright light coming our way! 

Until Next Time~

*krisha*