A Slap!

Have you ever read or seen something that literally just slapped you across the face? 

Like hard?

To be honest, I have spent the last three nights alone at home. Yesterday was a day....a day where life really hit me hard. 

I came home from work early and poured myself a glass of wine. I sat in my chair in the living room.. . in complete and total silence.

No TV. No music. No phone.

Just me. I had my thoughts. I had my feelings. I had my memories. I had my dreams. I had my reflections. I had my prayers. 

I allowed some great hurt to eat me alive. All day. All evening. All night. Until I finally forced my eyes closed. I made myself feel the hurt, as deep as it was. Pain does demand to be felt, but all too often, we push it down further instead of feeling it. This is what I have been doing for the past few months...this week was when I finally realized I needed to accept what was gone. I never realized before that being completely alone can be such a blessing. When you are alone, there is nowhere to run. No escape from your reality. I allowed myself to feel the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the anger, the confusion, the lost hope. 

I realized this "alone" thing is something we never get anymore. When was the last time I allowed myself to just be? With all of our amazing technologies these days, you cannot escape. Instead of being alone with your reality, we text our friends; we scroll Facebook; we get lost on Pinterest; we view the pictures on Instagram; we turn on the DVR; we jam out to Pandora. I find it all too easy to just ignore my own real life, my own thoughts and emotions. 

The last three nights my weakness could not be defeated and I found my focus on many negatives. I was giving the negatives power over me. I was too weak to fight it, to be honest...even the strongest of people have moments of weakness.

This morning I got up before 5 (yup, if I sleep past 4:30 these days it is a miracle) going through my motions. Making my coffee. Feeding the pets. Emptying the dishwasher. Starting the laundry. Just the motions of life. I found myself feeling shut-down for the day. 

And then, I saw an image. I read words. They slapped me. 

I knew I was allowing things that are over in my life too much control. I was allowing the hurt from people I never thought I would feel it from make me weak.  Krisha was shutting down again, hiding from emotions and thoughts.

Nope. I have the choice. The choice to stand up and say this is not my focus. I have felt the pain and the hurt from the disappointment, I accept that once you lose some people in life you don't get them back, that some dreams never come true, and memories just need to remain memories. But, today, instead of dwelling on what is gone or what is lost, I am going to count my blessings for those who are in my life. For those that I know will remain by my side through any storm I face. The ones that will always pick me up when I fall.  The ones that God has blessed me with. 

Last night I resented my loneliness. I was angered about it. But, today, I see it was a blessing. 

A fellow Facebook friend shared this image with me yesterday after reading my blog posts (thank you!). It's printed next to my bed. 

I say goodbye to yesterday. I say hello to today. I say tomorrow I will continue to treasure my many blessings. 

Until Next Time~

*krisha*